I’m waking up in this first night back in my little flat of Stockholm with a contentment in my heart. I feel connected; with my beautiful friends here and elsewhere in the world, I feel connected deeply in my own heart ️, I feel there is love, there is love and deep inner connectedness, this brings peace and inner silence and gratitude. A few hours later though, I realise things have changed, I can’t hold on to those feelings, if and when I grasp at them, it is painful because no feelings stay the same, nothing does in fact. So then it becomes emptiness and here comes the challenge to let go and not try to hold on. I read an article: The Myth of Permanencehttps://www.lionsroar.com/the-myth-of-permanence/ – and this liberates my mind from the pain. The moment I see how I grasp the sweet feelings of love that was felt in my heart last night and that I now miss (!), i can release the grip. Now i can rest in the flow of things, letting go into this moment. But with daylight anxiety comes; what am I doing here, its so lonely, I have no where to hang my ego, its all so very empty, silent, scary. I don’t want to go out today, I remain in my night clothes the whole day, I don’t succeed to unpack my bags. Finally get to the cushion for meditation, ok 45 minutes later my mind is calmer and the unbearable emptiness gets some presence to land in, some presence in my body to land in. ”With a little help from my friends”, i.e. inquiry into the present moment over Skype, I find some calm and connectedness again.
Eventually I also succeed to return to my writing that started in India five weeks ago and I thereby find calmness in the inevitable transition which is hard, coming from a sacred place like that where the holy mountain and the presence of Ramana Maharishi is felt so vividly, plus all friends that I have met there. Its not easy to be confronted with the cold wether and the lack of immediate support of a spiritual family. The West is comfortable sure and this is my home, but here many people live one and one in their own flat all by them selves. I lost my family only some two years ago, still getting used to living a life by myself, something I never did for very long. A spiritual life as a single in the world but not of it. It takes courage, strength and wisdom. I humbly pray for all of them to take me through this path of a razors edge; on one side is lust, greed and hatred – on the other side fame, glory and richness, to walk straight through the fire of opposites means to see the transparency of life and at the same time serve in the world. I am happy that on Monday I will be back at work, serving the elderly people in sharing arts and music. Thank you, whoever you are, as Mary Oliver says in her poem; Wild geese: ”…Where ever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination and calls to you, like the wild geese harsh and exiting, announcing your place in the family of things.”
Thank you/ Kali – Franciska